By Abigail Sanchez Aguilar –
Aylin Souder’s deep dark secret was the images she had seen as a child that she would act out on whenever she got angry.
“No matter what our addiction, there’s freedom in Christ,” she now says.
Aylin grew up in Miami, FL part of an immigrant family from Cuba. When she was only 6 years old, she stumbled on a stash of hard core porn of someone in the family. The images confused but also drew her in; they brought guilt and pleasure.
“I remember feeling very guilty and just dirty about finding those things,” she says. “And then it went from enjoying finding those things, it was all done in secret.”
The family didn’t go to church; mostly they just struggled to stay economically afloat. When Aylin turned 16, a friend, seeing her struggling, invited her to a church camp where she heard a pastor preach.
“He was preaching about the bride of Christ dressed in white and beautiful and how Christ had died so that we could receive forgiveness and freedom,” Aylin remembers. “I knew that I needed forgiveness. So I had that encounter with the Lord at 16. And immediately after that, I had no more desire to see the porn.
“Unfortunately those images were still in my mind and still in my heart,” she adds.
She kept going to church and learning about the Lord and even went to Bible college. It was many years ago – before the advent of the Internet. So she looked at the other students as holy, at herself as unworthy. She decided she must keep her struggles a deep secret.
Aylin married at 19. At first, she kept her secret from her husband, but as self-pleasuring persisted as a troublesome habit, she eventually confessed to him.
He was patient, loving and understanding. Soon she was seeing a counselor who helped her sift through the childhood hurts that contributed to an emotional state that made her vulnerable.
“I found a christian counselor who helped me get through my hurts,” she says. “I began to feel the freedom not to hide this anymore or think about it anymore.”
She was “sober” for a long time but relapsed in a difficult time at church. Masturbation was a way to self-medicate from the hurts that angered her.
Again, she sought help. A pastor and an accountability partner helped.
Part of Aylin’s current freedom is her willingness to confess publicly. It’s no longer a dirty, guilty secret. It’s now a tool to encourage others and to reaffirm herself.
Related content: Venmo sugar daddies, how porn preps kids for being exploited, the link between OnlyFans and prostitution. Source: Recovery in Christ on YouTube. Note: Spelling of her last name is uncertain.
