By Keziah Mendez —
Barbara Wilder finally broke the cycle of heartbreak, and she did it by taking a small little picture of Jesus off of a gas pump that somebody had left.
“When we are coming from trauma, we are very prone to seeking the same relationships in which we’re seeking chaos in our lives. It’s a cycle of going from one toxic, dysfunctional, violent relationship to another,” she says. “Taking that picture of Jesus was metaphorical because I started to go to church and Bible study after that. It was a supernatural experience.”
Barbara has written a book of poetry and prose, Love Letters to the about “everything I wish they would have told me before I knew Jesus.”
“I wrote a lot of the poems before I found Jesus. They were written from a very dark place,” Barbara says. “The later poems reflect the changes God brought in my life. The poems help people to relate to it when they find themselves in the same spot I was in two years ago. A lot of the pain and suffering we go through in this world is designed to draw us to God.”
Barbara Wilder, 38, came to America from Austria as a journalist writing for Trend Magazin (it’s German without a silent -e) of Switzerland. She’s now an actor living in the Los Angeles area.
Lost in Los Angeles
As she pursued acting and modeling, she got in and out of relationships. Her childhood hearts spilled over into dysfunctional relationships. She sought the approval of men to compensate for the lack of approval from her guardians. Ironically, she chose the type of men with some narcissistic tendencies who wound up breaking her heart.
“I was caught in a circle of heartbreak,” she says. “A plus attracts a minus. If you’re searching for a half being a half yourself, you’re getting a complicated relationship. Two broken people comforting each usually doesn’t work out. You need to be whole.”
It was the relationship she wasn’t looking for that made her whole: when Jesus came into her heart. She started going to church and hearing the word. She built friendships with similarly-minded people who want to overcome and find peace in Jesus.
Found at a gas station
“My identity got changed. Through being in constant communication with Jesus, I found my self-worth,” she says. “I saw myself through his eyes. It was very slow process of two years. I learned we’re chasing the validation of people. But when we have a relationship with Jesus, we already have that validation. When you are caught up in chaotic relationships, you’re constantly trying to please the other person.”
The poems, prose and pictures in Love Letters chart a journey from a hurting soul to one that found wholeness. The peruse this book is the invitation to experience pain, to identify with the suffering and to accompany the author on the journey to Jesus.
“I tell women what I wish would have told me two and half years ago. Peace and surrendering and balance is found in a relationship with Jesus,” Barbara says. “You constantly have to have communication with Jesus; it’s like swimming in a river, if you’re not going forward you’re drifting backwards.”
Barbara is learning to trust God in dark moments. She is overcoming her anxiety.
“This got completely transformed. I’m not anxious any more. Whenever I hear we got be faster or better, I’m like that’s not what God is speaking over me,” she says. “I don’t know how many times I was running around like a crazy person and nothing got accomplished. Now it’s like I’m in flow state with Jesus — not in a place of desperation.”
Love Letters to the Broken Hearted is $11.99 gray version, $14.99 color and $2.99 on Kindle. Available on Amazon and in Barnes & Nobles.
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